I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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