Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
