We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
