You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
