tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
