If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
