Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
