I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize