I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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