yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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