3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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