Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
