Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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