I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
