im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
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