Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
