The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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