my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
