So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Text me some of your sweat
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
