I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
