at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
