She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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