i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
