There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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