apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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