now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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