Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
