Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
im six kinds of drunk right now
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize