Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
