I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
