Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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