its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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