I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
