and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i just google imaged poop.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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