My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Randomize
