if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
