She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
The best revenge is premature balding
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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