yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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