she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
