Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
it's like iHOP with fire
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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