Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
