he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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