I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Randomize
