I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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