i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
where are you?
Hypothermia
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
