you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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