I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
then he tried to convert me to islam
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
