just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Edward fifth and chaser hands
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
