hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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