Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
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