where am i from again
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
