the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
