having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
