i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
