I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
