anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
