My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
