I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show youâ€
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