I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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